Fear of Rejection

a. What is Fear of Rejection?

The most common fear of rejection is associated with not being accepted as a friend or companion, including a mate.  It starts at birth and continues until we die.  Friendship is the dominate one, but there are others.  Fear of not getting onto a team, admission into a college, or finding employment, etc. are all included.  A few more hidden characteristics of this fear include jealousy, lack of self-esteem, not wanting to share, becoming vulnerable, and the like.

Fear of abandonment, albeit related, is not the same.  Abandonment involves being removed after an acceptance.  Trauma causes most abandonment fears, particularly during the adolescence years.  Issues such as lack of trust, anger, and afraid of being alone can appear.   

b. Where did Fear of Rejection Come From?

Evolution.   Some say it comes from animal evolution where the group provides safety and survival.  A person kicked out of the family or clan would not survive long in the animal jungle.  This is a common sense and logical assumption. 

But, if evolution is the reason, then why doesn’t evolution make whatever adjustments are necessary in order to permit solitary animals to survive.  There are many solitary animals that do well, such as tigers, crabs, most insects, most fish species, etc.   

Click on the Read More link for a discussion of 8 more causes of the Fear of Rejection.

Reproduction.  Some experts say that reproduction is the root cause.  If you cannot attract a suitable mate, you lineage will go extinct in one generation.  There are many examples in the animal kingdom that involves elaborate pageantry to impress the mate.  Male black-widow spider choose to risk death just to mate.  Salmon swim up a tiny stream to lay eggs and then die?   But, an 80 year old person may have a fear of rejection without a hint of reproduction urges. 

Learned.   Others say that rejection is a learned fear from watching others and getting what you want or need.  For example, biting the hand the feeds you is a learned trait connected to a denial of pleasure and sustenance, i.e. a form of rejection.  There are many examples and it is clearly one of the causes.

Trauma.  Some experts report that trauma remains as the main cause, such as being bullied or ridiculed during childhood.  Or a parent, sibling, or teacher, excluding you in favor of another.  

Pain Response.  A study using neuro-imaging showed that the section of the brain becomes stimulated when a person encounters physical pain, such as being poked with a needle.  This exact area is also stimulated when social pain occurs.  Electrical signals are not opinions, and carries significant credible weight. 

Environmental.  There are some that argue that environmental factors, including foods, diets etc. have a connection.  For example foods like coffee, chocolate, alcohol, and sugar are stimulants and may increase anxiety.   There are studies listing the 5 worst foods for causing or increasing anxiety.

Lack of SleepSome studies have connected inadequate sleep to increased loneliness.  Loneliness and fear of rejection are related.   Sleep Apnea is connected to loneliness and to social disorders.

Medical Conditions and Physical Injuries.  Any medical or physical injury that affects the neuro electrical transmission of signals can increase or decrease this fear.  There is a new medical break-through in the area of gut biome that suggests it may affect all aspects of animal health. This includes neuro-electrical elements, including things like Autism. 

All of the Above.  Because biology is involved the answer is likely all of the above plus some.

c. Signs of Fear of Rejection?

There are many manifestations of this fear.  If it raises to the level of a panic disorder, i.e. a feeling of loss of control, intense fear of passing out, or unable to think straight, then it could be abnormal and professional would be helpful. 

It does not mean you are going crazy.  It only means you need help learning how to address this fear.  It is highly treatable.  Seeking professional help in this matter is similar to seeking help in learning how to swim, or scuba dive, or becoming a pilot.  It’s what smart people do.   

Physical Symptoms.  The following are a few of the noticeable physical sings. 

  • Increased heart rate.  If your normal standing heart rate is 60 to 70 bpm, it may jump by 20 to 40%.
  • Increased breathing rate.
  • Feeling of dizzy and light headed.
  • Blushing, sweating, or trembling hands.
  • Mild nausea.
  • An urge to go the bathroom.

Mental & Social Manifestations

  •  Afraid you will not be accepted.
  • Avoidance of strangers.
  • Have only a few friends.
  • The feeling that if people are looking at you that something is wrong.
  • Embarrassed as to what others think.
  • Difficulties in saying no.
  • Taking criticisms as a personal attack.
  • Afraid to say anything so you remain quiet.
  • Blame yourself if things go wrong.
  • Do not take risks.
  • Hesitancy in making decisions.

d. First Step is to Validate Your Fear.

It is important to acknowledge the fear. Do this following test:

Think when you first felt anxious or felt any of the symptoms listed in paragraph C.  Do you know what triggered it?   With this particular fear, the vast majority of the time you will know.  You probably made a conscious decision to talk to a stranger and that decision triggered the anxiety.  Somethings there may be an underlying hidden issue, such as fear of touching, fear of intimacy, fear of catching a disease, fear of becoming trapped, etc.   

If you do not know if you have the fear of rejection, do the following. 

Pick different stranger and decide to talk to them.   Did your new decision trigger a similar anxious feeling?  If so, you probably have a fear of rejection. 

If you did not feel anxious with the second stranger, then eliminate a few variables, i.e. differences.  Was the second stranger of a different sex, or not as pretty or handsome, or not of the same race, or something else.   You need to continue until you find another stranger that triggers your original anxiety.  After you have duplicated your anxiety, then you need to list what the two individuals or circumstances had in common. 

This will allow you to acknowledge the fear. 

e. Determine the Cause of Your Fear.

Big Picture. All fears originate in your head as false negative thoughts. As such, knowing the cause is necessary.  The list of things that can cause the fear of rejection is set forth in paragraph A.  Many are hard wired in our brains, but even these primordial fears can be reduced by understanding the cause.   

  For example, knowing what is causing your heart rate to increase or your breathing rate to jump up or the sweaty hands is nothing more than a normal response to meeting someone new is calming.  You know it is not from some medical or physical defect. 

Take for example, people on one side of a river observing all of the trees shaking at the same time on a windless day.  Many would panic thinking that the end of the world has begun.  Contrast that with people on the other side of the river who know that the shaking trees were from an earthquake.  Those people would not believe that the end of the world is near.  And, the only difference between the people on each side of the river was that one side had knowledge.

Knowing that caffeine, alcohol, drugs, sugar, etc. may be responsible for some of your anxieties could help reduce those conditions without any further action.   Plus, the knowledge provides an opportunity to reduce or eliminate those influences.

Lack of sleep can cause anxieties, and your diet can play a major role.  This knowledge can help in determining if they are contributing causes.  And if they so, they can be modified.

Knowledge by itself cures or reduces fears. 

Many Little Pictures. There are hundreds of circumstances where knowledge would reduce apprehension or anxiety in day-to-day events. Take for example the situation where you became anxious when you decided to talk to a stranger.  Knowing why you became anxious could be very helpful. 

It is usually based on four different negative thoughts.

First Negative Thought is that the stranger will say something hurtful or insulting.  This is a common thought.  It is almost 100% false.  Think back, has it ever happened to you?  Adults would not do such a thing.  Why would they?  There is nothing there that would benefit them.  This is a false negative thought without a firm basis.  Having this knowledge and telling this to your negative thoughts department will likely reduce some of your anxiety.

There is one exception.  It deals in the wacky world of teenagers.  Their hormone level is off the chart and they act is strange ways.  To avoid that, do a quick assessment.  Has this teenage stranger done something like this before?  Next try and make eye contact.  You must do this intentionally so that the stranger knows it is not a simple glance around the room.  If they make eye-contact that lasts for one second or more, then that’s a good sign.  If they simile or nod, it indicates receptiveness to a conversation. 

Second Negative Thought is that the stranger will be glad to talk to you, but that you will freeze or fail to carry the conversation forward.  If this has never happened to you before, it is unlikely that it will occur.  If it has happened before, then take some learning steps before the meeting.  Check out some on-line videos.  Do a practice session with a friend.

It is a good idea to have a mental list of basic conversation topics.  Pick out 4 things to talk about. 

    • Something about them that is not intrusive such as Did you grow up here? Work here?
    • Something that the stranger was doing. Are you a coffee lover? Do you like you IPhone?
    • Say something about you. I was born here.  I work in marketing upstairs.
    • Compliment her or him on something.

It is better to leave early than later.  There is nothing wrong with a 5 minute meeting the first time. 

Third Negative Thought is that the stranger will say he/she is too busy right now, and you interpret that to mean they do not want to talk to you.  The stranger’s response is not a rejection.  If you interpret it to be a personal rejection, that would be a false negative thought.  The next thing you do depends on the level of your self-esteem.  If you are significantly anxious, then it might be best to say “Thank you-sorry for the intrusion.”  Then take some courses on public speaking, such as a Dale Carnegie course, or view a few on-line video courses on door to door sales.

If your anxiety level is not too high, you could ask a follow-up question.  But, the question should not attack the validity of the stranger’s action.  It should be simple and direct.  And you must listen to the exact words used.  When someone is inclined to interpret things in a negative light, there is an inclination to hear what you think and not what you heard.  You can rephrase the question in the way you thought they said and see if what you heard was the same as what was said.  But, this is a big risk.  By asking them to rephrase you run the risk of being viewed as argumentative, clingy, or having a negative personality.   

Fourth Negative Thought is when one of your friends observes what has happened and you think they will tease you with the loser sign.  This never occurs with adults, but does happen from time to time with teenagers.  Friends do not intentionally hurt friends.  They are probably trying to bring humor into the occasion to help you feel better.  Of course it does the opposite.  It is more from their immaturity in using humor.  It is important that you know that, in fact, your friend did not mean that you were a loser. 

f. How to Reduce Your Fears

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  This therapy is the gold standard in reducing anxiety from social fears such as the fear of rejection.   It involves repeated exposure to the fear triggers in a manner that desensitizes the anxiety.   And it works.

This means you must repeatedly expose yourself to rejection type situations.  If it is meeting new people, you must go out and meet new people.  It has a double benefit.  It reduces your anxiety level (Fear) at the same time of acquiring new friendships (Joy).

There are many on-line videos that discuss various CBT techniques.  Seminars and workshops are available on line as well.  It will be helpful to view a few of these to get the idea of how to practice facing your fears.   But, the bottom line is that you are going to have to practice.  Reading is good, but it does not take the necessary real world step.  Workshops where you approach new people are great.  On-line searches in your area reveals where they are located. 

Rejection Therapy. This therapy is a form of CBT.  There are games, apps, and seminars on this method.  A Ted Talk™ by Jia Jaing on YouTube™ is entertaining and instructive.  In that talk Mr Jaign discusses rejection therapy.   He set up several scenarios all designed to result in a rejection. 

One was approaching a stranger and asking them to loan you $100.  He had many that are funny and instructive.  By experiencing rejection over and over again you begin to understand that none is personal. 

Sales Techniques. There are many classes and seminars on sales methods that are helpful in alleviating the fear of rejection.  They are not formally a CBT method, but resolve anxieties in a similar fashion.  All sales involve purchasers deciding against buying a particular service or product.  Therefore rejection is nothing more than a part of sales.  As such, the more sales experience you obtain, the greater your understanding that a non-sale is not a personal rejection.  

Look for Positive Traits. Another way of reducing anxieties, particularly those negative thoughts relating to the strangers, is to look for the strangers positive traits.  These positive trait thought occupy space and takes energy away from the negative thoughts.  This comes from the common sense department that someone nice is not going to do something mean. 

If your negative thoughts relate to the stranger criticizing or embarrassing you, then flip your brain.  Concentrate on the strangers good traits.  The cartoon on the Type C personality traits (click here) shows that innocuous observations teach more than you think. 

Personality Types.  A short cut to finding positive traits is to determine the stranger’s personality type.  If you know the personality type then you know their basic traits. 

For example, if you determine that the stranger is a Type B then you know that their main intrinsic trait is making friends?  A Type B stranger is a shoe-in for wanting to talk.  It’s like asking a missionary if they have time to tell you more about religion. 

Here are a few examples of see if they have a B Type personality. 

  • Do they have a friendly face, i.e. do you see them smiling from time to time. 
  • B Types have a tendency to procrastinate so are they look around often.  If their nose is buried into a science book, they are probably a C Type. 
  • If they are busy typing out messages on a cell phone, then it indicates they are social, i.e. a B-type.  If the stranger is sitting at a table and everything on the table is in an ordered row that indicates a C Type. 

You should be getting the picture that there are hundreds of observations that will give you an educated guess as to the Personality Type.

After you have made an educated guess as to the Personality Type, then search for their positive traits.  Let’s say that you determine that the stranger is a C type person.  Their positive extrinsic trait is intelligence, or common sense, and their intrinsic trait is harmony.  A Type C person will not criticize or intimidate you.  That would be illogical and would create conflict.   Conflict or chaos is the opposite of harmony.  This means you are safe with either a B and C Type Personality.

This leaves the A and D types.   The A type is interested in winning and courage.  They will see that it took courage for you to walk over and talk to them.  This is a big PLUS and gives you an open door.  The A types are workaholics so they will normally say that they are busy and do not have time right now.  That will help you with the Third Negative Thought.  But, it tells you to keep your conversation short and to the point. 

This brings us to the D type Personalities.  This Personality will be difficult to determine.  It might be safer to have an introduction through a friend or cohort. 

The D Type’s main extrinsic trait is anticipation, i.e. the ability to predict.  Beginning your conversation with something involving intuition should open the door.  The D types dominate intrinsic trait is forgiveness.  Therefore do not worry about interrupting something. 

Learning what not to do is also instructive. 

Do Not Do Drugs and Alcohol.  One of the most common techniques people use to reduce the anxiety from the fear of rejection is consuming alcohol or drugs. This is a bad idea.  It also reinforces the use of “running away” as a coping mechanism.   

Many people think they dance better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.  Here is what you should do to verify this.  Have a friend video tape you when you are dancing while drunk.  You will find out quickly that being numb to what is going on is the same as being better. 

Here is another investigation you can do.   Go on-line and search for scientific studies on how alcohol affects your driving skills.  It will reveal many studies, and none of them support that driving under the influence improves your driving skills.

Do Not Avoid Encounters. Another go-to move is avoidance, i.e. avoiding situations where you might get rejected.  This has some common sense and scientific support.  For example, the first time you touch a hot frying pan, you avoid doing it again. 

But, there is a major difference.  Touching a hot frying pan is a fact, and the fear of rejection is only in your head, i.e. a false negative thought. 

Do this practice session.  Jot down all of the negative thoughts you have had in the last month.  Next write down what your life would be like if you avoided all of those situations.  

  • You would likely not drive again.
  •  You would get trapped in the Home Depo bathroom because you refuse to touch the door handle.
  •  Refuse to take a test because you thought you might fail it. 
  • Avoid sleeping because you think a bad dream may return.  

Then there are the consequences of avoidance.

  1. What if you avoided paying your taxes?
  2. Or buying toilet paper.
  3. Or washing your cloths.
  4. Or avoiding your anniversary.

Most of the consequences are negative.  If you notice a little humor in the comments, it is intentional.  Humor is a form of joy and it operates to reduce fears and anxieties.

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